Anxious Attachment Style

As we transition into spring, it’s the perfect time to invite fresh perspectives, encourage personal growth, and deepen our understanding of ourselves and our relationships.    

With this in mind, we’re launching a new brand series on anxiety, beginning with a deep dive into the anxious attachment style. In part one, we’re going to explore what anxious attachment is, how it shapes our worldview, and how we can navigate it in a healthy, empowering way.      

Anxious attachment is one of the primary attachment patterns that develop early in life, often in response to our earliest relationships. Understanding this style can help us bring more awareness and self-compassion into our interactions and build stronger, healthier connections now and in the future.      

Understanding Anxious Attachment      

Anxious attachment is characterized by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness and reassurance in relationships. People with this attachment style often believe that others are inherently okay while they themselves are the problem.      

Their internal narrative might sound something like this: If I can be more lovable, more accommodating, less needy, then I’ll be worthy of love. This belief system creates a cycle of self-abandonment and external validation seeking that undermines a sense of inherent self-worth.      

In contrast, individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to hold the opposite belief: I’m fine—it’s others who are the problem. People aren’t trustworthy, so I need to rely on myself.      

While these two styles seem different, they often find themselves drawn to one another, creating push-pull dynamics in relationships that can be both intoxicating and frustrating.      

Breaking Free from Anxious Attachment Patterns      

Recognizing an anxious attachment style is the first step toward developing a more secure sense of self. If you identify with anxious attachment, here are some strategies to help you navigate relationships with greater confidence and ease:      

Challenge the Narrative: Remind yourself that your worth isn’t dependent on external validation. You don’t have to earn love—you are worthy of love just as you are.      

Build Self-Trust: Anxious attachment often stems from a fear that love can be lost at any moment. Strengthening your trust in yourself—your ability to handle emotions, communicate needs, and set boundaries—helps foster a sense of security from within.    

Regulate Your Nervous System: Anxiety in relationships can feel overwhelming. Practices like deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding exercises can help soothe anxious thoughts and emotions in real-time.      

Communicate Your Needs: Instead of suppressing or over-explaining your feelings, practice expressing your needs with clarity and confidence. Secure relationships are built on mutual understanding and respect.      

Seek Healthy Connections: Surround yourself with people who value you for who you are, not for what you do for them. If a relationship constantly triggers your anxious attachment, it may be helpful to evaluate whether it’s truly serving your well-being.  

Recommended Resources for Deeper Exploration     

For those looking to explore attachment styles in greater depth, the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is a fantastic resource. It provides insight into the different attachment styles and offers practical tools for fostering healthier relationships.      

Additionally, if you’re unsure of your attachment style or want more clarity, you can take this quiz: Attachment Style Quiz. Understanding your attachment tendencies can be incredibly validating and a helpful first step toward personal growth.      

How Smart Therapy Can Support You      

While I do not offer couples therapy at this time, I love working with individuals on their therapeutic goals related to relationships. Whether you’re seeking to build self-confidence, navigate relationship challenges, or shift attachment patterns, individual therapy can be a powerful space for growth and healing.      

If you’re ready to explore these themes in a supportive, one-on-one setting, I’d love to work with you! Feel free to arrange a time for us to meet here.

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Meet Rebecca Steele, Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist

Rebecca Steele is a Waterloo-based therapist providing trauma therapy, anxiety therapy, and counselling services virtually in Kitchener-Waterloo and across Ontario. With over a decade of experience as a counselling therapist, she offers individualized, one-on-one therapy that is direct, compassionate, and deeply attuned to the complexities of the human experience. Her work supports adults navigating depression, trauma, grief, major life transitions, boundary challenges, low self-esteem, relationship stress, and a range of anxiety-related struggles—including generalized anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety, phobias, anxious attachment, and OCD. She aims to create a safe space where clients can confront the roots of their struggles, engage in meaningful self-exploration, and develop strategies for lasting change. If you're ready to engage in depth-oriented, transformative therapy, you can learn more about Rebecca’s online counselling services in Kitchener-Waterloo here.