The holiday season has a way of collapsing time.
You can be a competent adult, thoughtful, self-aware, emotionally literate, and still find yourself sitting at a family table feeling strangely small, reactive, or invisible. Old dynamics re-emerge. Familiar comments land harder than expected. You notice yourself slipping into a role you thought you had outgrown: the peacekeeper, the responsible one, the black sheep, the invisible observer.
This is an old survival response and an old family role that is automatic and often unconscious.
Holidays tend to bring us back into the very systems where our earliest identities were formed. Family and long-term relational dynamics do not just live in memory; they live in the body. And when we re-enter those systems, old roles and ways of being often pop up automatically.
Understanding this is the first step toward setting boundaries that are actually sustainable, and not rigid, performative, or rooted in resentment.
A Subtle but Powerful Question: How Old Do I Feel Right Now?
One of the most useful reflections during family or long-standing social gatherings is surprisingly simple:
How old do I feel in this moment?
Not how old you are, but how old you feel.
Do you feel:
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Like a child trying not to upset anyone?
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Like a teenager bracing for criticism?
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Like a younger adult still trying to prove something?
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Or like your present-day self, grounded and resourced?
This question helps differentiate between current reality and historical activation.
Often, the emotional intensity of holiday interactions is not about what is happening now. It is about what used to happen, and what your system learned to expect. The version of you that feels provoked may be far younger than the version of you who is actually sitting at the table.
Naming this internally, for example “I feel about 5 years old right now,” creates space. It interrupts the automatic loop and brings choice back into the conscious realm again.
Old Roles Are Efficient, But Not Always Aligned
Family systems tend to assign roles early, and those roles are remarkably persistent. Over time, they become efficient ways for the system to stay familiar, even if they no longer reflect who you are.
You might notice patterns such as:
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Automatically smoothing tension or mediating conflict
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Over-explaining your choices
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Withholding parts of yourself to avoid judgment
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Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
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Bracing for criticism or dismissal before it even arrives
These roles once served a purpose. They helped you belong, stay safe, or reduce emotional fallout. But what worked then may now come at the cost of your nervous system, authenticity, or sense of self.
Boundary work during the holidays often is not about dramatic confrontations. It is about quietly stepping out of roles that no longer fit.
Boundaries Begin Inward, Not Outward
Many people approach boundaries as something you say to others. But the most effective boundaries start with what you clarify within yourself.
Before the holiday gathering, or even during it, try gently asking:
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What do I actually want from this interaction?
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What do I realistically need to feel okay afterward?
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What am I responsible for here, and what am I not?
This inward orientation matters because boundaries that are set without internal clarity often collapse under pressure. When you know what you are protecting: your energy, your time, your emotional safety, it becomes easier to make choices that align with that truth, even if others do not like them.
Sometimes the boundary is external, such as leaving earlier than usual.
Sometimes it is internal, such as choosing not to engage a certain topic.
Sometimes it is dynamic, such as deciding you do not need to correct or defend yourself.
All are valid.
Challenging Roles Without Declaring War
You do not have to announce that you are “setting boundaries” to begin living differently.
Often, change happens through small, consistent shifts:
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Pausing before responding instead of reacting
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Letting silence exist where you once rushed to fill it
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Sharing less personal information with people who do not handle it well
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Choosing not to justify your choices
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Taking breaks, walks, or time alone without apologizing
These micro-choices can feel surprisingly uncomfortable at first. That discomfort is often a sign that the system is noticing a change, not that you are doing something wrong.
It is also normal for others to resist these shifts. When you step out of an old role, the system may try to pull you back in. This is where self-compassion becomes essential. Boundary work is not about controlling others’ reactions. It is about staying anchored in your own.
Self-Care During the Holidays Is Regulating, Not Selfish
Holiday self-care is often framed as indulgence. In reality, it is regulation.
When you are navigating emotionally charged environments, your nervous system is working hard. Simple practices can make a meaningful difference:
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Checking in with your body before and after gatherings
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Planning decompression time
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Grounding through breath, movement, or sensory awareness
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Giving yourself permission to leave when you have had enough
Self-care in this context is not about escaping relationships. It is about preserving your capacity to stay present without abandoning yourself.
Integration Takes Time, and That Is Okay
It is unlikely that one holiday season will undo decades of relational conditioning. Boundary work is iterative. You may notice moments where you respond differently, and moments where you fall back into old patterns.
Both are part of the process.
What matters is the growing awareness: recognizing when a younger version of you is being activated, choosing to respond with care rather than criticism, and gradually re-aligning your actions with who you are now, not who you had to be.
If the holidays stir up more than you expected, that is not a sign of regression. It is often a sign that something important is coming into view.
And that awareness, however uncomfortable, is where real change begins.
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Meet Rebecca Steele, Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist (MA, MSW, RSW, CCC)
Rebecca is a Waterloo-based trauma therapist offering virtual counselling across Ontario. With over a decade of experience, she helps adults navigate trauma, anxiety, OCD, and self-esteem. Her insight-driven depth therapy approach supports self-understanding, emotional healing, and lasting change. Book an appointment or learn more about her online therapy services.
Located outside Ontario? You can explore Rebecca’s coaching and consulting offerings here.
