There’s a phrase I return to often in therapy:

How you are anywhere is how you are everywhere.

It isn’t meant as a moral statement or a criticism. It’s an observation, one that becomes clearer the more closely we pay attention to ourselves, especially in moments of discomfort.

The ways we relate to stress, conflict, closeness, authority, vulnerability, or honesty don’t magically change depending on the setting. They may soften or intensify, but the pattern tends to remain consistent. How you handle tension in your body, unspoken resentment in a relationship, or avoidance around a difficult conversation will often show up across contexts: at work, in dating, in friendships, in family—and yes, in therapy.

This is why self-awareness is not a “nice-to-have” in healing. It’s the foundation.

 

The Cost of Avoidance (and Why It Makes Sense)

Most people don’t avoid because they’re lazy, dishonest, or unwilling to grow. They avoid because, at some point, avoidance worked. This is exactly the type of tendency schema therapy looks at.

Avoidance might have once kept you safe from conflict, abandonment, punishment, or emotional overwhelm. It may have helped you stay regulated in an environment where expressing needs or naming impact wasn’t welcome.

The problem is that what once protected you can later become the very thing that keeps you stuck.

Avoidance doesn’t disappear just because you intellectually understand it. It tends to shape:

• how directly you speak

• how quickly you minimize your needs

• how long you tolerate discomfort in relationships

• how often you second-guess yourself

• how you manage tension between “being kind” and “being honest”

And importantly, avoidance often disguises itself as being reasonable, being low-maintenance, or not wanting to make a big deal out of things.

But what goes unnamed doesn’t go away. It accumulates.

 

Honesty Without Impulsiveness

There’s a misconception that being honest means being blunt, reactive, or emotionally unfiltered. In reality, honesty that heals is usually slower, more deliberate, and more embodied.

Gentle honesty doesn’t mean suppressing truth. It means choosing how and when to speak in a way that reflects both self-respect and emotional regulation.

In therapy, we often explore questions like:

• What am I actually feeling here?

• What story am I telling myself about this person or situation?

• What am I avoiding naming—and why?

• What happens in my body when I consider speaking up?

Learning to name impact (on yourself and from others), without exploding or disappearing is a skill. And like all skills, it requires practice in environments where reflection is possible.

 

Why Therapy Is a Microcosm of Your Life

This is where the concept of transference and countertransference becomes essential—not as jargon, but as a reality.

In simple terms:

• Transference refers to how a client’s past relational patterns show up in the therapy relationship.

• Countertransference refers to how the therapist experiences and responds to those dynamics.

What matters most isn’t the theory, it's what the awareness of these two aspects allows for.

Therapy becomes a place where:

• discomfort can be noticed instead of bypassed

• relational patterns can be slowed down and examined

• subtle shifts in tone, distance, trust, or defensiveness can be explored safely

If you tend to:

• worry about being “too much”

• assume you’re being judged

• pull away when things feel unclear

• become overly agreeable

• feel responsible for others’ emotions

…those patterns are likely to surface in therapy too.

And that’s not a failure of therapy—it’s the point.

 

The Moment You Can No Longer Avoid Yourself

At a certain depth of therapeutic work, it becomes difficult to keep outsourcing the problem to circumstances, other people, or bad luck.

Not because those factors don’t matter, but because therapy gently brings your relationship to them into focus.

You begin to notice:

• how quickly you explain yourself

• how often you doubt your perceptions

• where you freeze instead of respond

• how you manage closeness or distance

• what you expect others to do for you that you haven’t learned to do for yourself

This can feel confronting. It can also feel relieving.

Because once patterns are conscious, they become movable. We can thank Freud for that insight!

 

Freedom Is Not the Absence of Pain—It’s the Absence of Unnecessary Suffering

Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never feel anxiety, grief, frustration, or uncertainty again. It means you’re less likely to compound those experiences through avoidance, self-betrayal, or unspoken resentment.

A freer state of existence isn’t about perfection, it’s about choice.

Choice to pause instead of react.
Choice to speak instead of swallow.
Choice to stay present instead of disappear.

And importantly, choice to relate to yourself with curiosity and compassion, rather than criticism.

 

Therapy as a Practice Ground for Real Life

What you practice in therapy doesn’t stay in therapy.

Learning to notice internal shifts, speak honestly with care, tolerate relational discomfort, and reflect on your impact creates ripple effects:

• conversations become clearer

• boundaries become steadier

• relationships feel less confusing

• self-trust grows

You don’t become a different person in different rooms.
You become more yourself, everywhere.

And that is often where real healing begins and is felt.

 

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Meet Rebecca Steele, Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist (MA, MSW, RSW, CCC)

Rebecca is a Waterloo-based trauma therapist offering virtual counselling across Ontario. With over a decade of experience, she helps adults navigate trauma, anxiety, relationships, OCD, and self-esteem. Her insight-driven depth therapy approach supports self-understanding, emotional healing, and lasting change. Book an appointment or learn more about her online therapy services. Located outside Ontario? You can explore Rebecca’s coaching and consulting offerings here.