When most people hear the word cult, they think of the most extreme examples: isolated compounds, charismatic leaders, and stories that end in tragedy. The word itself can feel loaded, almost too dramatic to apply to everyday life.
But over the past several years, I've come to appreciate another way of thinking about the subject.
Sarah Edmondson and Nippy Ames, hosts of the podcast A Little Bit Culty, use the word culty rather than insisting on a strict yes-or-no definition of what counts as a cult. I find that language incredibly helpful.
Not because every unhealthy group is a cult.
Not because every controlling relationship involves a narcissist.
But because coercion, manipulation, and abuses of power often exist on a spectrum.
As a therapist, that spectrum is what fascinates me.
Beyond the Binary
One of the challenges with conversations about cults is that people often become stuck on a single question:
"But was it really a cult?"
While that may matter legally or academically, it is often less helpful psychologically.
A person can walk away from an experience saying:
- I felt pressured to ignore my own instincts.
- I was punished for asking questions.
- My relationships outside the group were discouraged.
- I was made to feel that leaving meant I was weak, selfish, or broken.
- My identity slowly became wrapped up in pleasing someone else.
Whether we call that a cult, a high-control group, coercive control, or simply an unhealthy dynamic, the psychological impact can be very real.
The label matters less to me than understanding the pattern.
The Psychology of Belonging
Human beings are wired for connection.
We want to belong.
We want meaning.
We want guidance during uncertain times.
We want to feel seen and understood.
These are not weaknesses. They are deeply human needs.
In therapy, we often explore how attachment experiences shape the ways we seek safety and belonging. Someone who has experienced loneliness, rejection, trauma, family dysfunction, or major life transitions may understandably feel drawn toward a community or relationship that offers certainty and acceptance.
Most people do not knowingly join something harmful.
They join a yoga studio.
A church.
A coaching program.
A social movement.
A workplace.
A friend group.
A romantic relationship.
A volunteer organization.
Often, they join because they are looking for hope.
The difficulty arises when belonging gradually becomes conditional.
Our longing to belong is not a flaw. If you're interested in the psychology of attachment and belonging, you may also enjoy my articles on anxious attachment style, avoidant attachment style, and the orphan archetype.
The desire to belong is one of the most powerful forces in human psychology. It is also one of the central themes of the orphan archetype and attachment theory. Understanding these patterns can help us build relationships and communities that deepen our sense of self rather than ask us to surrender it.
When Belonging Turns Into Control
One of the reasons I prefer thinking in terms of "cultiness" is that it reminds us that unhealthy power dynamics can emerge almost anywhere.
To varying degrees, these patterns may appear in:
- Romantic relationships
- Families
- Schools
- Religious communities
- Charities and non-profit organizations
- Corporations
- Self-help or coaching spaces
- Online communities
- Political or activist movements
This does not mean these environments are inherently dangerous.
Nor does it mean that strong leadership, passion, or shared values are bad things.
The issue is not commitment.
The issue is the abuse of power.
Some common warning signs may include:
- Discouraging independent thinking
- Creating an "us versus them" mentality
- Demanding excessive loyalty
- Shaming people for setting boundaries
- Isolating members from outside support
- Encouraging dependence on one person or ideology
- Punishing disagreement or curiosity
- Making people feel that leaving means failure or betrayal
In extreme forms, these patterns can become profoundly damaging.
In milder forms, they can still erode a person's confidence and sense of self.
Trauma Bonding and Attachment
Many people blame themselves after leaving a controlling relationship or group.
They ask:
"Why didn't I leave sooner?"
"How did I not see it?"
"What's wrong with me?"
From a trauma-informed perspective, these questions often miss the point.
Human attachment systems are powerful.
Intermittent reinforcement—the cycle of affection followed by criticism, acceptance followed by rejection—can create intense emotional bonds. Trauma, shame, fear, hope, and belonging can become deeply intertwined.
This is one reason why leaving a controlling environment can feel surprisingly similar to grieving a loved one.
People are not foolish for becoming attached.
They are human.
Why Psychoeducation Matters
One of the reasons I am so passionate about this subject is that knowledge can be protective.
Learning about:
- coercive control,
- trauma bonding,
- narcissistic relationship patterns,
- manipulation tactics,
- unhealthy group dynamics,
- attachment theory,
- and the psychology of influence,
can help people recognize red flags earlier and trust their own perceptions.
The goal is not to become cynical or suspicious of everyone.
The goal is to strengthen our ability to stay connected to ourselves while also experiencing belonging with others.
Healthy communities encourage questions.
Healthy leaders tolerate disagreement.
Healthy relationships make room for individuality.
Healthy organizations do not require the surrender of your identity.
A Therapist's Perspective
In my work, I often see people recovering from experiences they struggle to name.
Sometimes they left a controlling partner.
Sometimes they walked away from a religious community.
Sometimes it was a workplace that slowly consumed their life.
Sometimes it was a family system where love was conditional.
Often, they wonder whether they are "allowed" to feel traumatized because their experience was not as extreme as someone else's.
I believe suffering does not need to pass a threshold test to deserve compassion.
You do not need to prove that something was a cult to acknowledge that it harmed you.
You do not need to justify your intuition if part of you knew something felt wrong.
And you do not need to abandon your desire for belonging simply because that desire was exploited.
Final Thoughts
Perhaps that is why I appreciate the word culty.
It reminds us that human relationships are rarely all-or-nothing.
The same psychological mechanisms that exist in the most extreme high-control groups can also appear, to lesser degrees, throughout everyday life.
Awareness allows us to notice these patterns without becoming consumed by fear.
It allows us to ask better questions:
Am I allowed to think for myself?
Can I disagree without being punished?
Are my relationships outside this space respected?
Do I feel more like myself here—or less?
Ultimately, I think the answer is very personal, and part of it often involves finding the kinds of relationships (or communities) where belonging does not require us to abandon ourselves.
Recommended Resource
If this topic interests you, I highly recommendthe book A Little Bit Culty by Sarah Edmondson and Nippy Ames. Their work explores the idea that coercive influence and unhealthy power dynamics can exist along a spectrum and offers an accessible introduction to understanding these patterns.
I have also written a blog about some of my favourite cult psychology podcasts if you are a podcast-lover and want to educate yourself more on this topic.
Rebecca Steele | Smart Therapy®
Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist (MA, MSW, RSW, CCC)
Rebecca is an Ontario-based therapist with over a decade of experience providing virtual therapy across the province. She works with adults navigating anxiety, trauma, intrusive thoughts, self-worth struggles, and repeating relationship patterns. Her approach, Smart Therapy™: Insight-Driven Depth Therapy, integrates the Enneagram, attachment theory, and depth-oriented modalities to support deeper self-understanding, emotional healing, and long-term change.
Learn about her online therapy services or book an appointment.
Located outside Ontario? You can explore Rebecca’s coaching and consulting offerings here.
